Day 212

List of current woes and anxieties and intrusive thoughts:
- big speech last night, big blah this morning
- never has this level of weight of expectations / impending dread been placed on any BA concert in history
- basement has dead decaying poop / animal / fly infestation?
- bloaty crampy period tummy and waking up to oodles of blood. Knew it was cursed.
- "i will", "you will", and yet, when? 
- onam.
- waiting. Always waiting. 
- egg whites expiration day.
- the embarrassment of hiring help.
- should I tell ruch? Is there time? Does she care? Are we in?
- all these incomplete relationships 
- promis sourdough and egg whites sandwich?
- less than 5 hours to go and at least 4 songs to learn
- didnt go in person, decided to work and take calls from home till the last possible minute instead 
- visions of slow dancing to heaven and teary hugs and dramatic blurry kisses in a darkly packed and sparkly concert hall, the reality cant possibly live up and we should all quit right now.
- cant puzzle, cant eat, cant read, cant listen to music, cant watch house, have exhausted the LLM even, so really, what is there to do but wait? 

Edit at 2.40 am - ate the egg white sandwiches, he made them post calls and pre shower. Then had the concert. As close to expectation as it could get without us being 2 completely different people. Was zombie mode until 2 mins before and after, but for the space of those couple hours - omg. The heavens opened up, the lights shone, we were 18 and all was magical. Also he was close enough to hug. What a moment. What a vibe. Slow danced, lots of pda, lots of mouthing I do it for you and please forgive me at each other. Also bought the comfiest merch yet. A plus. Then crash, refeeding and a no holds barred conversation, including about onam. Same page again. Soon he'll move back and there will be therapy sessions and biweekly reviews and who knows what else. Or so we hope. Who knew it would take this. 

Anyway. Exhausted and bleeding, time to collapse. Tomorrow will home alone relive videos. 

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