Day 201

What i havent yet graduated to is sharing thoughts instead of events. It comes to me, during the days or nights, but by the time I get here I go into update mode.

Like the thought about slowing down. It was number one on the NYR. Finding slowness, or some such. Now I've spent close to 8 months here, the better part of a year, and even though I've come some of a way, slowness has eluded me. Why are my two gears still 0 or 100. And not just in ambition but also in pacing. I have not yet mastered the art of taking it genuinely, methodically, intentionally slow. I still haven’t learned to design my things to fit my days, instead of designing my days around the things. Examples - the 2 nights racing through the mortgage modelling. Or reading a book. Binge watching a show. Cooking. The habituated multitasking, efficiency obsessed mind has not figured out how to untangle itself from the swift straight lined path. Hasn't learned how to meander and wander, stopping and smelling roses. Perhaps most importantly - is more comfortable with stillness and stagnation than slowness. When I stare at the bookshelf, I find myself counting the number of books and the number of days needed at warp speed. When I think about health goals, same. I need to train instead the discipline of putting one foot in front of another, and living in each moment. Without rushing and hurrying to the future one. And without freezing it until it coalesces into several next ones and im just floating in a blob of unshifting time. 

Maybe thats the next step. 

Meanwhile - nothing to report, except that I have someplace to eat chicken fingers from, and with the new bread, it feels like a poor man's tims sandwich. Now for bagels and croissants.

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