Day 186

Well. A lot of the things I didnt want to obsess over kicked into gear before I even woke up. Spent most of the afternoon between medical follow ups. LTD woman replied, in a brand new thread. Apologies and explanations. More corporate bs. Then I replied. And on we go. Plus calls. Helpful admin assistants. Some kindness in the system, must be all that Canadian culture. Grateful for choices every time. Heard back from Jabber. Heard back from Brad. Have some appointments set up. Have some more follow ups to do on Tuesday. But all systems good.

After that bright spot, came the silence again. With chopped bananas and guac sandwiches. Slowly crystallizing my resolve. Much like Alicia - the wonderful thing that happens when you lose for the last time. You give up. I am so close to giving up.

Then couch time. There was a moment when the now famous lights were set to warm yellow, the tv was playing in the background set of books and music and plants and the foster child, and cray crae was rolling unabashedly spreadeagled across couch and ottoman, limbs flailing in both our laps, stretching and softly passing gas in all his naked pleasure and absolute comfort while getting unquestioningly massaged and loved on. I thought to myself - I can see how this looks. I can see how this could be. What we almost managed to create here. What we actually lived on so many days. Just unblemished safety and the deepest peace and most sacred trust. Just cozy, unpretentious, messy, regular life. And how its all broken now.

Anyway. Then more tv. More snacks. More mental resolves. Then lots and lots of unexpected blood. Clots. All that iron gushing right back out. Reality. 

Welcome to August.

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