Day 185

New clarity around the shifted shape of this anxiety devil - despite all the iron flu and periods, an all nighter tossing and turning, impossible to shut brain down with the 8 am, then the 9.30 am, then all the things, then the evening AA visit. Finally fell asleep sometime around 6 am, got up at 7 and called ultrasound to postpone, then emailed Brad to do the same. Speaking of which - oddly no reply from him yet, a full day later. Very unlike him. Concerning. Note to self to check in tomorrow.

Anyway. Tried to sleep again. And then again. More mind racing randomness. Finally caught a couple hours around noon and dogs break. Then headache and sleep deprivation, the isolated feeling, desperate reach outs to jabber and ruchu after brainstorming with tuesday (no reply yet from jabber either. Excellent), and frantic hoping for a reprieve on evening plans. It didnt come. But profuse sweating did. During the entire waiting time (sigh, AA) from 6 pm to past 8. 3 outfit changes over 2 hours level of sweating. Hives after a 5 min yard stroll level. Then a NYL letter, and I released all my pent up aggression in one severely worded email to Melissa. Can take the girl out of corporate paranoia, but who will take the corporate paranoia out of the girl. Who knows the pandoras box this has unleashed. 

Anyway. Sweaty and stinky and scratched up, we waited. Finally they came. Then the game faces on. So much laughter, all that music, the lights, the views, the hostess mode, a baby, new guests, the dogs. They were light and easy and didnt so much as have a sip of water. They kept the whole thing at singing songs and recording videos. In another phase, all the makings of a fun night with sweet people, good vibes only. But me. This phase. So much faking. So much sweating. Stood at a safe distance from everyone so no one can smell me. Stood the whole time. The whole time. Laughed and joked and hummed along, participated actively, only a little too enthusiastically. The shrill in my voice grated only on my own heighted nerves I think. I hope. Anyway. Then off they went. Immediate unravelling of vibe, voice, the cozy home turned frigid and empty and silent, and I reclaimed the couch spot, barking at servant boy to whack at all the mosquitos that had ungraciously invited themselves in. 

I sat there, trying to decompress. The sweat was the first to go. Evaporated. Swiftly turned to chills. Suddenly everything ached. Called mom to honor the final obligation of the day, and then popped an advil and back i am in bed.

So basically - insomnia, racing thoughts, excess sweating, extra shrilliness. 

I would now like to actively stop obsessing about - jabber, the LTD, the durhamites, the next appointments, the loneliness - until at least Tuesday. For the long weekend, I would only like to focus on - checking in with Brad if I still dont hear back tomorrow, wrapping up the periods, getting on with the health plans without continuing to expect anything from the silence. Maybe the true test will be in indifference. Maybe that was the final straw. 


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