Day 135

So. Here we are. Halfway through the year, over a third of the way through this journaling and hovering somewhere around mid life, if im lucky. Or unlucky. Not sure yet. 

Everything is broken. Everything is a fail. From the big things, like my health and my marriage, to the small things, like the R100 which is dead in the water after a 100+ day streak, and even the journaling. I thought it was going perfectly, but apparently I've missed multiple days without even realizing. So. Ah well. Just add it to the lost. List. Although. 

So when everything is broken and failing and on fire, and I both care and dont care and cant care, and choose to carry the ginormous shameful secret of this privately, despite a number of theoretical close friends and paid medical professionals and free artificial insight filled LLMs at my disposal - what to do and where to start or how to carry on. Ofcourse the being parked in front of tv and numbing it all is a very real and favorable option. But are there any others? Any at all? And maybe lifting out of the periods cloud is case to atleast explore.

In no particular order, top problems and non negotiables - hopefully without flippancy or exaggeration:

Marriage:
- The problem. The silence. Not a sign in itself of anything except capabilities. But chipping away at everything else. Has eaten everything else.
- Non negotiable is that despite that, despite everything else, I will not break the silence this time. I simply cant do it and still live with myself. Of all the decisions and choices and sacrifices over the years, rooted steadfastly in cold harsh practicality and reason, including all the previous times I've broken it, this is where im finally drawing the line. WTWTCH? We'll see. Im pushing this to the and off the cliffs edge this time, if thats what it takes.

Money:
- The problem. All those dreams. The issue is this hinges on that. How to make any plans or any progress. Procrastinate? To what end? And if the WTCH happens? Maybe the only reality is to accept this cant be resolved right now. Maybe we calculate the opportunity cost and live with it.
- NN should perhaps be to keep the tracking going? What happens if I stop and just freeload? This becomes life? I need something off amazon and bark at him to buy? He feeds me? Pays the bills, makes the plans, renews the mortgage, steers the ship? One day the other faucet turns off and he figures it out? What if this faucet turns off? Dying is okay, disability or redundancy is not. Figure it out if and when? Chalk it up to one of those new bad experiences? Or should I just continue to track, plan, bother? What if postponed till after RTW? Back-burner for now. Let him deal. If RTW happens in July or Aug, we can reassess. WTWTCH if back-burnered? Opportunity cost. The only one is mortgage. I can live with that, I think? 

Health: 
- Ah. Here we are. Now we're talking. 
- The problem. Oh where to start. 
- The NN. Everything here, right? I'm thinking - LTD for sure. Iron infusions asap. ADs starting June 19. Sleep. Diet. Bounce. Maybe a walk in will help on iron? Maybe worth following up next week. WTWTCH? This is the worst. The impact of the silence on this. Teetering endlessly on the cliffs edge. Unable to move, unwilling to step back, incapable of leaping off. The impact of this on health could kill everything. So that's what I must protect. So I must cook. Must eat. Must bounce. Must sleep. Maybe guest room again? 

Life:
- The problem. The postponement. Of fun, joys, adventures, explorations. But tbh all that was on hold anyway. Until fixing health. And sorting money. So what's new. I always had the dec timeline. And until Aug is limbo. And Aug to Dec is muscle forward. So what's different. None of that changes. I just have even less to worry about till August. So if I can make progress on health, this will be fine later. Unless ofcourse the silence still persists. In which case we deal with it then. I prefer to cross my bridges when they arrive. 
- The only NN is to keep the door open. And revisit. In July? Aug. Sept for sure.

Ok. This was semi helpful. I dont need to solve. I dont need another project. This is a state. A season. Im still wintering in the heart of summer. Im back burnering with no qualms- Life. Money. And Marriage. For now until July. Then we will revisit. Only focus is health. And no project there. No extreme measures. Simple. Decision made on STD. Not going back on 29th. Will let Angela know in next check in. All in on LTD. If if happens great, otherwise appeal. If it happens great, otherwise we'll see then. I cant control that now. I can only decide about 29th June. So that's that. Only other key action between now and 29th - LTD progress and iron. Everything else already in place. 19th appointments. Bounce, sleep, eat etc. Periods done tomorrow. Next week we will follow up on ltd and iron. Possibly another good samaritan GP at the walk in I can persuade. We'll see. Problem for next week. So between now and next week - finish periods. Otder water bottle. Start the sleep, eat, bounce clean up tomorrow. Move him to the guest room this weekend. Figure out food. Keep the silence. 
 
Also. The plants and the dogs will just have to take care of themselves. I cant. Im putting my own oxygen mask on first. He will have to figure it out. 

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