Day 118

Anxiety continued deep into the night. Overthinking, chatgpt, what if nightmares, tightness in jaw, chest, and non stop stomach ache / pit / painful gas. After lying awake for hours on end, landed on skipping LEAF today. Why go if its not fun right? Then woke up groggy, guilty, shame ridden to learn Lax had msgd and Baroda muthassan passed. Clocked awake state, more guilt, first harsh words of the day to boy, silence and frustration and loathing, followed by last minute game time rush job to go. Made him chauffeur, took 5 hours of his day and stressful rainy drive. Reached late, sat in the back, realized quickly was earlier than half the group, realized rain jacket didnt fit, ate my GF packed cold lunch, almost lost phone, blind panic, came back. Hot and bothered car catch up, then sudden Lax help out request, costco pit stop, lament over losing ability to hot dog and tim hortons on demand, DOY contracting at lax's, then finally home after a long, exhausting, roller coaster day. Wilty and face stuffing, then almost immediate involuntary collapse into sleep on the couch. The energy drain and fatigue was real. 2 hour nap. Dragged myself up to bed, managed to muster up sheer willpower to R100, and here we are. Brad wrote me a beautiful letter, the best kind of love letters these days. Clean, clinical, objective, diagnostic evaluation of state for LTD claim. So convincing it made me tear up, like wow, this IS real. Gives me hope for monday, and for the future. Hope, not excitement or anticipation. Still no call back from ontario shores. Meanwhile, boy will research disability insurances, and I will continue to dream of a better life which isnt a series of buying bigger and bigger clothes every season until you die. 

PS Birthday looming. Stressed.

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