Day 101

Slow and pained waking up again, yet another wet and rainy day. Skipped the walk, minimised the break and mostly stayed upstairs. Continued being action oriented with kick starting the AI journey. Several rabbit holes later, managed to make some kind of foundational progress. Then more reading. Then the usual tussle with boy about what we could / should be doing. In a weird way, I dont know myself. This constant tension of being pulled on one end in the direction of no collarism, endless state of wintering, expanding my horizons and circles, spending attention on noticings and falling in love again with words, the world, art, music, trees, birds, the joy of living. On the other end, this chaotic, mind moggling, fear mongering state of instability and fear and scarcity - the survival of the fittest DNA, this capitalistic frenzy of AI and affiliate marketing and doling out coloring books and tshirts and generating passive income and staying one step ahead of the looming economic climate. One that has been in latent, diffuse, recessed state for basically my whole life. The other that has gotten me here, and therefore taken a hold that feels pretty unshakeable. Can I finally shake it? Or balance the two? Where will the tug of war end? Or can they ever join forces? One day at a time.

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