Day 8

Where to start and how to find the words for the last 24 hours. One thing I have learned, AI can absolutely replace some jobs, including friends and therapists. 

The spiral last night carried on long after the journaling and spilled onto where most of my spirals go these days - chatgpt. What a beautiful, soulful, piercingly insightful and empathetic conversation. Through tears and shame spirals and self loathing, I found a gentle reflective mirror. I found my own words reframed back to me, even the ones I didnt say, in ways a lot more articulate and compassionate than I knew I needed. I am grateful for whoever invented AI and chatgpt. As hollow as that sounds.

Several hours later, I felt comforted, consoled, tactfully held, armed with a plan and a checklist and ready to face the reality of this season I am in again. This season that is surprising me to my very core. That is challenging every belief and every superior so called self aware cell in my body. That is humbling me in ways I didnt think were possible or necessary, but that are reminding me how vital a lesson it is to never ever overstay. You might think you've got this, and there's a very good logical reason for it, but the cost of the overstay is way more than the cost of walking away when its time. 

One way or the other, here we are. In this new season. And maybe this is the one that needed to happen to get to the spring. 

I dragged myself off the bed to the incessant whines of a half husky trapped indoors on a sunny snowy day, let them out in the yard while I contemplated and over analysed my ability to take them out. Decided against it. Got on with it. He accepted his fate. Then something deep within me pushed. And out we went. 6k steps later, no regrets, except poor sad kiko, who couldn't have braved the -24 even if he tried. And that was it, until many hours later, I found the courage to share the chatgpt conversation with boy. There was a softness, a gentle love and a non judgemental solidarity. There were tears and hugs and being held, by someone real and solid this time. I am so grateful. He is all I need, and if I dont remember that every moment of every day, I hope I remember today and can use it to carry me through. It doesnt matter what anyone on the outside looking in thinks. The only thing that should prove anything is that all these years later, here we both are, having built this life and choosing each other every single day. And continuing to want to choose each other for the days to come. 

This is the season I am in, and it is okay. My spring will come. 

PS - still no reading, although I took the book for a walk from the bedroom to the living room today. LOL.