Day 7

I did way more than I planned or intended. And the only thing I couldn't do was the one I planned, and have been intending.

"Early" out of bed - by 11ish. A record! Then proceeded to do a number of things that weren't on the agenda, I dont know why. I wasnt feeling particularly energetic. Just went with some sort of flow. Shoveled, walked the dogs, washed their bowls, vacuumed the main floor, cleaned the vacuum cleaner swept when the vacuum ran out of battery, cleaned the powder room, cooked dosas, did the evening break and meal, washed again, cooked dinner. Didn't yell. Didn't argue.

The early happened after I saw a text msg - a podcast reco and a 3 step cure all. A part of me felt visceral mad, another part deeply disappointed, another extremely ashamed. The whole time while shoveling - endless repeat playbacks of the airport comment and the who shovels in their house comments. A part of me knows this has reached the level of toxic friendship. The kind that gives me panic attacks. And I need to own my own sanity and establish some boundaries. Another part deep down feels like the worst part of me is being pointed at and laughed at, in public, constantly. The part that I have been trying to hide and thought was a well kept secret. How do they know? How can they sense? Why isn't anyone contradicting them, or standing up for me? Why aren't I? Because I have nothing to contradict with? Because the reality is. And I can either change the reality or own it. 

What is this tussle? Is the judgment external or internal? Is this another round of me trying to prove something to everyone, including myself? Where is the kindness? Where is the grace? How long can I punish myself in one way and then another? How long can I be punishing him? What am I saying? How am I punishing him? Where is his agency? 

Ugh. 

Stop.

I have to stop. 

I need new friends.

Actually. I need to be better at talking to my existing friends. So called friends. Screw this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 171

Early start. Walk, lake, kayak, sunshine after ages. The kindness of weather gods and people who cater to those that need it with pancakes, burgers, potatoes, popsicles and spicy margs. No one over heated, no one got bitten to bits, although two of us got overstimulated, one with fomo, the other with exhaustion. I will remember it for so many cuddles and so many moments of precious love and belonging. When we dropped the leashes and went inside the cottage and closed the door and still he stood his ground and watched and whined, certain in his assessment that he knew he held the cards. When he got off beds and set aside cooling mats and comfort to sit by our side and be within scratching distance. None as special as spooning in a queen bed at a log cabin enveloped by the gentle hum and soothing breeze of oscillating fans, moths fluttering in the semi darkness, a little puppy heart beating in rhythm against a squished arm, breathing in the dusty scent of his warm double coat and listeni...
Read more

Day 21

Started thinking this on the walk. Thought I would write it then. And make these be a collection of scribbles through the day that I publish at the end of the day. But ofcourse I didnt, so here is the recap. Every single day when Crae goes for his walk, he is so intentional. So decisive. Knows exactly which way he wants to turn or which neighborhood or street or bush or field he wants to explore that day. Ofcourse he is also constantly stopping to smell the proverbial roses and open to changing his course depending on the path that smells more interesting, so there is something to be noticed about the way his explorations are equal parts intentional and spontaneous. Dang, so many things to emulate with this child! In other news - good spirits, good energy, frankly some good deep sleep. My brain on almost 2 back to back days of decent sleep. OCDd the judgy santa markers. Cleaned the kitchen. Decided to treat myself to an afternoon movie - today's feature, Wodehouse In Exile, a remin...
Read more